| Date: | 2003-07-17 18:38 |
| Subject: | Falling in the mud |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  amused | | Music: | 106.7 The Fish on the radio |
I fell in the mud today, and I had to walk through a three foot wide river to get across the street on my way home. The fall in the mud happened when we tried to take the kids on a hike at the forest preserve. It was still really muddy from the recent rains, and several people including me slipped and fell trying to climb over an abrupt rise in the trail. Fortunately I didn't get my clothes muddy. My shoes were already muddy, and I got my knee and elbow muddy. I actually got a good laugh out of it.
We got thunderstorms tonight that dumped at least an inch of rain in short order. That was more than the storm sewers could handle, and there was a river on both sides of Sheridan. My shoes are now soaked, so I'll be wearing sandals for the rest of the day.
My sunburn still hurts, but I didn't get it nearly as bad as some of the kids or the other counselors. There weren't many people who escaped getting burnt. Everyone was comparing sunburns today.
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| Date: | 2003-07-16 22:47 |
| Subject: | Sunburn is painful |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  aggravated | | Music: | I'm With You - Avril Lavigne |
The SPF 30 sunblock did a good job, but I missed some spots when I was applying it. The most painful spot is on the top of my feet. It hurts a bit to walk right now. The other spots are on my upper arms, back, sides, and my neck. Now I definitely know why I don't go around in the summer without a shirt and shoes on.
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We took the kids to a water park in Wheeling today. The kids really enjoyed themselves, and I had fun as well. Water park field trips are always a bit nerve-racking though because it's a challenge to keep track of every kid. We don't have the benefit of the usual field trip shirts. I'll admit that I'm tired tonight. I kept nodding off on the bus ride home. I just made myself a strong cup of coffee to wake myself up. I need energy to do report cards tonight.
I found out today that one of our campers is autistic. Unfortunately none of us know much about how to work with autistic children. She is very sweet, and our biggest challenge is to keep her with the rest of the group. She displays the quiet, anti-social behavior that I understand to be typical of people with autism.
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Three things today made me think a lot about my future. First, I am now going to be working with the Trailblazers, the 3rd and 4th graders, for the rest of the summer. I'm please with that. They are the group that I usually hang out with during pre-care and post-care. Mary noticed that and realized that I was tired of putting up with the apathy of the teens. I'm not good at the tough love that they require.
Second, Mary told me that the guy from the Irving Park Y is definitely interested in contacting me about a customer service position. I told her to tell him to call me. I would love to continue working at a Y. She also said that she will check on customer service openings at the Leaning Tower Y. I'm pretty sure that all of them are night and weekend positions, but if one is a daytime position, I'd love to have it. I love working at the Leaning Tower Y, and the staff really seems to like having me there.
Third, I finished reading Stop Laughing at Me. I went down to the beach to read and appreciate the nice weather. The final chapter was about her high school reunion, and that got me thinking about how my classmates will treat me at my 10 year reunion. Even though they picked on me, they always felt that I would be successful. In my senior yearbook, they predicted that I would be rich genius.
These three things led me to some conclusions and questions about myself. First, I am a sensitive person, and there's nothing I can do to make that go away. That's part of why I was picked on in school, and part of me still wishes I was more tough and macho. As an adult though, I've realized that my sensitivity and compassion for others is a very good thing. It's a trait that many people value.
Second, I'm not exactly sure what I want to do with my life. I know that I will regret it if I don't finish my Ph.D. I'll admit that part of that is ego-driven. I know plenty of people with Ph.Ds, and if they could do it, I'm pretty sure I can. I feel though like the pursuit of it is getting in the way of other things. After last night, I'm thinking again that I would love to earn a Master of Divinity degree. I love to learn more about the Catholic faith, and I want that faith to be an integral part of my career. I also want to become fluent in Spanish. Of course my dissertation will help that because I'll be working in a Mexican neighborhood.
I'm also torn between a desire to humbly serve others and a desire for personal recognition. For the most part, I don't care about achieving success in worldly terms. I just want to serve others help to better their lives in some way. That is what makes me happy. On the other hand, I have dreams about doing something that will gain me notoriety and recognition. That's how the world judges success, and I don't want people to think that I somehow failed to fulfill the tremendous potential that they have recognized in me.
I pray that God will lead me to the right career that I will be truly happy with. I know from my experience with community organizing and mission trips that service of others isn't easy, but it's also very fulfilling. I definitely want a job though that allows me plenty of time for recreation and a social life. No matter how much I love my work, I don't want it to completely dominate my life. I want to have time for a healthy balance of other things in my life.
Do you have any thoughts or suggestions? Does this all make sense?
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I was walking down Kenmore tonight, and I saw some guy who was waiting to back into a parking spot on the street that was being vacated. As he started to back into the spot, the woman behind him pulled in just far enough so he couldn't take the spot. How rude! It goes without saying that a parking spot is like gold, but that doesn't excuse such rudeness.
When I was walking from the L to my apartment tonight, I saw a couple sitting on the retaining wall next door smoking pot in front of their young daughter. That was disturbing. Lest anyone think I have my head in the clouds, I see plenty of people smoking pot. I don't condone it, but it's a fight that I don't want to take up. However, I draw the line when it comes to doing it in front of children. That sets a terrible example. If you're going to do it, make sure there aren't kids around.
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| Date: | 2003-07-13 23:49 |
| Subject: | Full moon |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  bouncy |
Did you see the moon tonight? I saw it a little before 9:30, and it was a beautiful orange disc. It was absolutely breathtaking!
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I started the day with 10:00 mass at St. Ignatius. Oh, if only I could start every day that late. *sighs* There was a baptism today, and the little girl who was baptized had the most precious big brown eyes and curly black hair. Little kids are so adorable.
On the way home from mass I walked down to the beach and out on the breakwater. It was another gorgeous day to appreciate the lake. I'm almost mesmerized by the sight of the sandy bottom showing through the clear water. The color of the water when the sun is reflecting off of the bottom is gorgeous.
I bought a copy of A Guy Thing at the Maxwell Street Market this afternoon. I love that movie, and I don't care what the critics say. After that, I walked around Dearborn Park. That's a fascinating neighborhood, especially since I read a book about it's development.
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| Date: | 2003-07-13 01:19 |
| Subject: | Fun day |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  tired | | Music: | In A World Gone Mad - Beastie Boys |
I actually got 8 hours of sleep last night. I can't remember when that last happened. It was great not to be jolted out of bed by the alarm. I woke up just in time to get to 9:00 Mass at St. Jerome. From there, I went to the library and checked out Your Blues Ain't Like Mine by Bebe Moore Campbell. It's about time that I read a novel again.
I decided this afternoon to walk along the lake from Roosevelt Rd. to all the way down to 57th St. When I got to Jackson Park, I stopped on Promontory Point to read for a while and to have my picnic dinner. It was fun to watch the people. I really enjoyed the walk as well. It was a perfect day --- temperatures around 80 with low humidity --- and the water was beautiful. The view of the skyline is great from south lakefront. It's cool to see the juxtaposition of the natural beauty of the lake and the human-made skyline.
I walked through Jackson Park down to 63rd. St. I was amazed by all of the damage from last week's storm. The South Side was hit pretty hard. The path was littered with huge trees, including one that was uprooted. I didn't see it, but one of the casualties was the city's oldest oak tree. The other highlight was finally seeing the Republic statue from the 1893 World's Columbian Exposition. I had long wondered where in the park it was situated, and I finally happened upon it today.
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| Date: | 2003-07-13 01:08 |
| Subject: | Legally Blonde 2 |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | tired | | Music: | Who Let the Dogs Out |
Have you seen Legally Blonde 2? I went to see it tonight at the Village North. It was cheesy, but I think I got my $4's worth out of it. I got some good laughs out of it, and I appreciated the message that it is important to actively participate in government. That's what truly makes a democracy work.
I was pleased that the theater was clean this time. It's a nice theater, but I was rather dismayed by the garbage on the floor last time. This time, they never shut the door to the theater, and that was a little annoying. I can't complain though because their student price is $4, and it's 4 blocks away from my apartment.
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Have any of you ever attended Mass at an African American Catholic church? I've wanted to do that for a long time. I finally had that opportunity this evening when I attended Mass at Holy Angels. There were only about 20 people in the congregation, and they made me feel quite welcome. A couple of people made a specific point of telling me that they were glad to see me there. Even though I was the only white person there, no one made me feel out of place.
Because there were so few people there, Father invited us to come around the altar during the Eucharistic Prayer. I think it's always special when a priest does that because it makes the celebration of the liturgy more personal and intimate. I was also struck by the music which included traditional African American hymns including This Little Light of Mine
The pastor at Holy Angels is an African American, but this mass was celebrated by an African priest. I think it's exciting that there are so many African American Catholics in this archdiocese. They are just one of the many groups that make this such a diverse diocese. That diversity is an important part of why this is such a vibrant diocese.
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| Date: | 2003-07-10 21:18 |
| Subject: | Grow old or die young? |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  curious | | Music: | There She Goes - The Girls Next Door |
Would you rather grow old or die young? I started thinking about that tonight because Matt, one of my fellow counselors, asked an elderly gentleman how he was doing. The man's reply was, "I wish I was as young as you. Then I'd be good." My heart went out to him at that point because I could tell he was frustrated with the limitations imposed by the aging process.
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I didn't' get the research assistant position. I was prepared for that news, but I'm still disappointed. In many ways, it seemed like an ideal job. On the other hand, the work sounded somewhat monotonous. I'm sure I can find a job that I will enjoy even more. I'm confident that God will provide the right job, but I'm still nervous about not having a job lined up yet. I would appreciate your prayers. In the meantime, I'm thankful for my summer job.
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| Date: | 2003-07-08 23:29 |
| Subject: | Cubs game |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  melancholy | | Music: | Pretty Baby - Vanessa Carlton |
We indeed went to the Cubs game today, or most of it, that is. We left during a rain delay in the bottom of the sixth inning. At that point, the Cubs had two outs and runners at the corners in a scoreless game. As it turns out, they didn't score in that inning. The rain delay wasn't such a terrible thing because we wouldn't have been able to stay for the whole game anyway because we had to be back to the Y by 5:00.
The Cubs lost the game 4-3. We missed Sosa's home run. One of the exciting parts for us though was when Willie, one of our campers, threw out the ceremonial first pitch. It was a good pitch too! The biggest annoyance for me though was Joe's childish behavior. He and Frankie were horsing around the whole time, and Joe kept accidentally elbowing me in the knee. I wouldn't have cared as much normally, but me knee was sore from our workout this morning. I banged it on the ground about three times when I was doing walking lunges. Three of us told him to stop it, and he kept it up. I had all I could do to keep from kicking or punching him in the head. I have a feeling that he's going to mess with the wrong person someday and really get his butt kicked.
Post-care was fun today. I spent a lot of the time playing checkers with various kids. I'm no expert at checkers, and it didn't help that I hadn't played in years. In spite of that, I managed to beat every person. Fun was had by all though!
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| Date: | 2003-07-08 00:04 |
| Subject: | Strong Enough |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  contemplative | | Music: | Strong Enough - Sheryl Crow |
I keep listening to the Sheryl Crow song Strong Enough. I keep wondering if I'm strong enough to be someone's man. Do any of you identify with the song? The lyrics are:
God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It's try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave
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| Date: | 2003-07-07 23:56 |
| Subject: | My evening |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | tired | | Music: | Strong Enough - Sheryl Crow |
I took a walk along the lake tonight and then went to the Borders in Lincoln Park to read. It was a great evening to appreciate the lake. The water was extremely calm, and the haze made it seem almost surreal. I'm glad that my efforts last night left me with the time to enjoy this evening. It was just one of those nights where I was happy to be alive and able to enjoy myself. I'm glad I decided to come home when I did though. It started raining hard about a minute after I got off the L. I sprinted home and avoided getting soaked. Fortunately I caught the light at Sheridan when it was green.
A bunch of Cubs fans got on at Addison because the game had just ended. Fortunately the Cubs pulled out a nice win. I struck up a nice conversation with the woman next to me. It started when I asked her if the Cubs won. I then proceeded to tell her that we're taking the kids from the Y to the Cubs game tomorrow afternoon. I also found out that she grew up across the street from that Y.
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| Date: | 2003-07-06 23:53 |
| Subject: | New work schedule |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  indifferent | | Music: | Blackbird - The Girls Next Door |
I work from 9:30 to 6:00 this week instead of my usual 8:00 to 4:30. I have mixed feelings about that. I'm happy that it allows me to stay up later and to sleep later. I'm also happy that it allows me to go to daily mass again. On the negative side, it means that I won't get home until 7:00. I don't like getting home that late. It's a good thing I don't have any meetings this week.
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| Date: | 2003-07-06 23:50 |
| Subject: | Busy day |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | tired | | Music: | Dreams - The Girls Next Door (The Cranberries) |
I woke up barely in time to throw on some clothes and get to church this morning. I set the alarm plenty early, but I laid back down and fell asleep after I shut off the alarm. Once I got over the chaos of rushing to get there, mass was good.
After mass, I grabbed lunch and headed downtown for the monthly meeting of the St. Francis/St. Louis Fraternity of the SFO. Everyone was glad to see me there for the second month in a row. They were very welcoming. I thought Father Larry's reflection on today's readings was particularly good advice. He talked about how live out our prophetic calling as Franciscans. The emphasis was on actions, not on words.
When I got home, I grabbed a quick dinner. Then I walked over to the grocery store on Morse to do some shopping. Even though there are some creepy people that hang out on Morse, I'm doing more and more of my grocery shopping there because it's very convenient. I don't want to waste time travelling farther than I have to for groceries.
I then headed to 5:30 mass at St. Ita. After mass, I walked over to Our Lady of Lourdes and spent an hour praying in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I spent the time telling God my concerns at the moment, offering prayers for others, and thanking God for the many blessings that I enjoy.
On my way home, I picked up a bottle of fish sauce so I could make some Thai red curry to have for dinners this week. I also made a salad, washed dishes, took out the garbage, and vacuumed. I can't believe I was still doing housework at 11:00 on a Sunday night. Is that crazy or what? I just wanted to get it over with so I didn't have to do it tomorrow night.
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| Date: | 2003-07-06 23:25 |
| Subject: | Realizations |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | contemplative | | Music: | Strong Enough - Sheryl Crow |
1. It's possible to admire the beauty of a woman in a totally innocent way that's not at all possessive or sexual, but I'm not yet completely at that point.
2. Working forty hours a week makes it hard to muster the will to do cooking and housework. When I get home in the evening, I want to go do something fun.
3. Being a student definitely has advantages over being out in the "real world."
4. A good relationship requires commitment, self-sacrifice, honesty, open communication, sharing, and compromise.
5. I may be a self-giving person, but I tend to like to do it on my own terms. I like to have plenty of time for myself. I'm rather selfish that way.
6. I've become very independent over the past few years, and that's a mixed blessing. On one hand, it has given me the confidence to do many things, like travelling, that I wouldn't have done a few years ago. The negative side is that I tend to do things by myself rather than inviting friends to go along. Part of that stems from my shy side, but it's also a reflection of the fact that I like to control my own agenda.
7. I take many blessings for granted, and I shouldn't do that.
8. My time is really God's time, and I shouldn't complain about giving some of it back to him. It's hard to do that though when I'm busy.
9. The busier I am, the more challenging it becomes to exercise and to eat healthy.
10. It's important to be open to people of all ages and backgrounds. A lot can be learned by being open.
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My cold is still bothering me, but I didn't let that keep me from an active day. I started the day with mass at St. Ignatius. After that, I went grocery shopping. When I got home, I grabbed an early lunch and headed over to Norwood Park, a beautiful neighborhood on the Northwest Side. To get there, I took the Foster bus over to the Blue Line. I sat in the seat that faces backward. It was interesting to be looking out the back window the whole way.
I enjoyed my walk around the neighborhood. There are two streets that together form a complete circle, and I walked the entire circle. I also stopped at a branch library to cool off momentarily and use the restroom. I scared off an old guy who was sharing a table at the library when he realized that I have a cold. I think he was afraid of getting sick because when I coughed, he asked whether it was allergies or a cold.
The trip downtown was a bit messed up. I had to wait over 20 minutes to catch the L at Jefferson Park because equipment problems delayed the southbound trains. When I got downtown, I got some money from an ATM and grabbed dinner at Panda Express. Even though their food isn't that great, I sometimes crave their orange flavored chicken and spicy chicken with peanuts.
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| Date: | 2003-07-06 00:40 |
| Subject: | Sheryl Crow |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | tired | | Music: | Soak Up the Sun - Sheryl Crow |
It was awesome to hear Sheryl Crow live. She didn't disappoint at all. I was lucky again to get a spot near the fence. I could also see the Jumbotron from where I was standing. She really gets the crowd into it. I thought it was interesting that she urged people to register to vote. They apparently even had a table set up where people could register.
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| Date: | 2003-07-04 23:33 |
| Subject: | Sheryl Crow |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  sick | | Music: | All I Wanna Do - Sheryl Crow |
It's hard to believe that Sheryl Crow released her debut album 9 years ago. I'm listening to some of those original songs tonight, and it doesn't seem like they're that old. I guess that's another sign of aging.
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| Date: | 2003-07-04 23:14 |
| Subject: | The Wallflowers |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | sick | | Music: | If It Makes You Happy - Sheryl Crow |
I went to the first of two free concerts at the Taste that I had been anxiously awaiting. The concert featured The Wallflowers, Pete Yorn, Guster, and Shemekia Copeland. I enjoyed all of the music, but the Wallflowers were definitely the best. They played all of my favorite songs. These are One Headlight, 6th Avenue Heartache, Three Marlenas, and Difference.
I'm glad I took my umbrella for shade. In spite of the umbrella, I still managed to deepen my tan. It got up to 93 today, and this cold is reducing my tolerance for heat. Because of that, I sat on the ground for a while instead of standing. Unfortunately I missed the beginning of Pete Yorn's performance when I went in search of a water fountain so I could get a much-needed drink.
Sheryl Crow is performing tomorrow evening, and I'm determined not to let illness keep me away. I love her music, and I've been looking forward to this concert for months.
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I definitely have a cold. I suspected it this week because of chest and sinus congestion. I woke up this morning with a sore throat. I've been drinking a lot of water all day. Hopefully I'll get over this soon. The timing couldn't have been worse. The last thing I want to do this weekend is to take it easy.
I started out the day by going to mass. It was nice to go to daily mass again. After mass, I walked down to the beach. It was just a gorgeous day to be out there. It was fun to watch all of the people gathered to celebrate the 4th with family and friends. I walked out on the breakwater, and the water was so clear that I could see the bottom. It was a beautiful sight.
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I had fun at the fireworks last night. I decided to watch from Navy Pier. I went down there early to listen to some live R&B. It was nice to chill after a long day, but I was having to fight off yawns.
Getting home was a fun and interesting experience. It took about an hour and a half from beginning to end. It took about 25 minutes just to get off the pier because of all the people. I caught the bus to the Red Line station at Grand. The bus wasn't terribly crowded, but the station was. The mezzanine was jam packed with people and the platform was pretty crowded as well. I had to wait for a second train because the first one was packed.
The second train was pretty full, but I was determined to get on, against the advice of the young women standing by the door. I should say that when I want to get somewhere, I can be pretty determined and aggressive. Unfortunately I stepped on the foot of one of the women, but I apologized. In the process of the brief conversation, something struck me funny, and I let out a stifled laugh. In the process, a gob of spit flew out of my mouth and landed on one of them. I was so embarrassed that I wanted to crawl in a hole. Needless to say, I didn't try to flirt with any of them after that.
For some reason, I enjoy being packed in like sardines on the L, so I enjoyed the ride. I was ticked though that some wannabe kid decided to start blasting his radio. I was so tired that I really had all I could do to keep myself from saying some choice words. He finally shut it off after enough protests from other passengers.
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| Date: | 2003-07-02 21:26 |
| Subject: | Wow is she ever cute |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  excited | | Music: | Cruel to Be Kind - Letters to Cleo |
I discovered tonight that the young woman who lives next door to me is really cute. She was walking out of her apartment at the same time as I was heading down to check on my laundry. We exchanged a brief greeting, but unfortunately I didn't think to introduce myself or to check to see whether she had a ring on her finger. Here's hoping that I bump into her again sometime soon!
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One of the girls who is either in fourth or fifth grade came up to me this afternoon and gave me a hug from the side. She said something to the effect that I'm the best. That made me feel like a million bucks. I think it made the whole day worthwhile. I also think it's so sweet how Howard came up to me today, like he does almost every day, and asked me to play catch. It's so cool how the little kids look up to me.
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| Date: | 2003-07-02 19:07 |
| Subject: | Today kicked my butt |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  drained | | Music: | 106.7 The Fish on the radio |
This was one of those days that just kicked my butt. I didn't get enough sleep last night, so I was tired all day. On top of that, a lot of the teens had attitudes today. We had our weekly field trip, and we went to the forest preserve. Another Y brought a climbing wall for the kids from our Y and one or two other Ys to scale. The kids enjoyed that, but it only took up about 20 minutes of each group's day. Unfortunately that left the kids bored for the rest of the day, and many of them were letting us know just how bored they were. The heat didn't help matters either.
We had arts and craft projects for the younger kids. We also went on a hike with some of the older kids. The hike was actually pretty challenging, even for me. We had to scale some fairly steep, slippery hills, and we had to climb over and around plenty of roots and branches. I thought it was fun, but everyone freaked at one point because some of the people brushed against some picky plant that left their legs itchy. It doesn't appear to have been poisonous because everyone recovered quickly.
After the hike, I probably should have sat still during my break, but I decided to take a walk through the forest preserve and on some of the neighboring streets. It was relaxing, but I think it contributed to my overall sense of fatigue.
I was lucky that the bus that I usually miss by a few minutes was late, so that saved about 10 to 15 minutes on my commute. While I was waiting for the bus, I vented about my day to a woman who I often see at the bus stop after work. However, I must say that even though it was a long day, it wasn't that bad. I felt better after I had a chance to sit down and get some food. I'm forcing myself to do two loads of laundry and some cooking. I want that stuff out of the way.
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| Date: | 2003-07-01 23:32 |
| Subject: | A relaxing evening |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | tired | | Music: | 106.7 The Fish on the radio |
Today was a pretty good day. Work went well. It's somewhat hard though to adjust to working full-time for the first time in 5 years. I miss the flexibility that I used to have in my schedule. It's frustrating having to spend some evenings cooking and doing laundry when I'd like to be out doing something. The ride home was brightened by a nice conversation with the woman sitting by me on the bus. I even got home 10 minutes early because the bus was early.
I had a very relaxing evening. I walked along Sheridan Rd. all the way up to Linden St. in Wilmette where I caught the L. I really enjoyed the walk. I always enjoy walking by the Northwestern campus, and I walked by the beautiful Baha'i House of Worship in Wilmette. On the way home, I stopped off at Jewel to buy laundry detergent and at the Chicago-Main Newsstand to browse. I love newsstands!
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I'm feeling happier after a fun evening. After mass at Holy Name Cathedral, I walked over to the lake. I walked from Ohio up to Belmont. The weather was great, so there were lots of people out there. It was definitely a great night for people watching. From there, I headed to Borders in Evanston to chill. I haven't gotten to Borders that much lately, so I wanted to make sure to get my fix this weekend!
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Out of curiosity, were you bullied in school? I spent an hour and a half down by the beach reading from Please Stop Laughing At Me. Before I go any further, I should say that it was wonderful to hang out by the beach. There were people picnicking, swimming, biking, walking, jogging, and just chilling.
I'm enjoying the book, but it definitely brings back the memories of my own experiences of being bullied. I've repressed many of those memories because they really hurt, so it's weird to have some of them coming back. In some ways, I'm still haunted by the feeling that people will reject me. I know from experience that it's not true, but it doesn't erase those fears. Unfortunately that still keeps me from sometimes opening up to new friends because I somehow feel that I'm burdening them.
I think that part of the reason that I sometimes want so badly to have a girlfriend is because I fear that no woman in her right mind would find me attractive. Again, I know that's not true, but I still wonder whether my lack of success with women is a sign that God wants me to be a priest. I have tons of female friends, but it never seems to get beyond that point with any of them.
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jwfoodog's journal
confused
disappointed
embarrassed
touched